


Please Be Mine

by glamreal



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Adommy, M/M, Saulbert - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:28:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 18,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glamreal/pseuds/glamreal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you were Adam, who would you choose: The guy you always wanted, but was always gone? Or the guy who healed your wounds, only to open them again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was something I wrote in 2010-2011 (when I was 13 years old and this was my first fanfic ever) and I just found it again on my old flash drive this year, 2013. And now I've decided to post it...

 

More. More. More.

Those were the words of our ever supportive fans as Tommy and I set the stage on fire with our famous Adommy kisses. Isn’t this amusing? We have our own little love team! However, as I said in one of our concerts, Tommy likes girls, period. Oh, he’ll never know how much I’m hurting keeping these freaking feelings of mine aside. Every kiss is a mixed-up experience for me. One minute I’m in cloud 9, and I’m torn the next. I mean, why was he doing this to me? All the touching, the affectionate glances, it all means a lot to me, and to him? I don’t know. He never said anything about it. One reason why Fever is my fave part of the tour… I get to kiss my pretty kitty. I mean, this pretty kitty. Not actually _mine_.

French kissing, lip locking, tongue diving. God, Is this heaven?

The usual part of the song where we kiss just ended. That means my paradise just closed its gates and the insanity starts. And now, I just can’t get my mind off of him (as if he ever left my mind). I often catch myself staring at his perfect blonde hair with that cute little body that goes with it. And his deep brown eyes are just an extra.

Again, he’ll never know…

After the show, I pulled myself together and picked up all the pieces of courage together to try to confess to Tommy because well, I can’t take this anymore. This whole loving him from a distance.

“Hey Tommy.” I tried to greet him without any hint of nervousness.

“Hey!” he said and thought for a minute then continued “you nervous about telling me something?” Okay, my greet-him-without-any-hit-of-nervousness technique just backfired at me.

“What? I’m just trying to be friendly. What’s wrong with you?” I can feel my face starting to redden.

He furrowed his eyebrows and started to smile. “Okay then, I’ll just go and maybe have some drink. Wanna come with?”

“Sure.”

He walked up and I trailed behind him. We drove to a nearby bar and started walking up to the front entrance. Of course we had our hoods and shades on! The last thing we would want to happen is for someone to ask for our autographs instead of spending the night with just the two of us.

After a few minutes, Tommy handed me a drink (one that I have no idea what the name was). Our conversation was casual. It’s awesome to have someone you know, just to hang around with and feel comfortable.

Our drinking session (what I call already close to a date) ended at about past midnight. Since it’s late, I asked him if he could drive us to my apartment and if he could spend the night. He said he could and I was thrilled. As soon as we reached my door he started asking me.

“Uhm.. Adam, what is it you’re going to tell me?” I’m surprised he hasn't forgotten about that yet.

“Oh, about that... I was th-” I started to talk but he cut me off by kissing me as passionately as he could. Hard then soft, I can’t really decide how it is. The feel of his lips against mine. There’s nothing more I could ask for. Oh wait, there is one… I hope he could be mine! With his eyes full of lust, he led me up to my bedroom and pushed me against the wall. Between the kisses I hear him utter some words, but I didn’t understand what he was saying. Right then I could feel him grinding his crotch into mine. At the same time, I could feel myself harden too. I pulled his shirt off as he did mine. He never let one moment to stop him from licking all of my upper body. Wet trails from my neck to my spine to my chest. Soon enough, he felt the need to go lower and started pulling off my pants. I unzipped his pants and removed our boxers next. Standing naked at each other is just the way I pictured our nights. This isn’t my first time to see Tommy naked (okay, so I kinda peeked at his dressing room.. long story.) but I love what I’m seeing. And this time, it’s no secret staring at his wonderful structures. He cut off my mind-babbling and pushed me into the bed. As if he had never kissed me before, he hungrily explored all of me. He pushed his tongue further into my mouth while he stroked my cock below. I couldn’t wait any longer. He just has that ability to turn me on that fast. I grabbed his cock and started sucking on it like it was the last time. Well, hopefully not the last. I took his full length and his hands grabbed my hair so forcefully, but more on the side of pleasure than pain.

“Adam, wait, wait.” He begged, but I didn’t listen.

“No, Adam, wait, stop!” This time I looked at him, curiosity written all over my face.

“What is it?” I hope he did not just realize he’s straight again.

“I’m ready.” That was all he said while he reached for my drawer.

“How did you know that’s where the lube is?” Amusement is now filling my eyes.

“Duh where else would you put it? In the kitchen?” As much as I hate him for making me feel dumb, he had a point.

I said “Come here, sarcastic bitch!” as I pulled his legs and pushed him with his ass facing me.

He smiled a wicked smile and said “Gladly.”

“That’s all I want to hear.”

I then put lube on my hands and my cock, not wasting a second. I started to tease his hole while drawing abstract figures on his back and his thighs.

“Do you like this?”

“Uhuh.”

I pushed one finger in and I could feel his whole body tense. “How’d you like that?” I dared to ask.

“More. Adam. Please.”

“Your wish is my command.”

I pushed two fingers this time and his starting to open up for me now. “How about that?”

“For fucks sake, Adam, Just fucking fuck me!” he said with apparent irritation in his tone. I love it when he's desperate for my touch.

“With pleasure.” I put on the condom and started to go in. It’s just another fucking session, I know. It’s almost the same routine every time, but this one’s different. It feels… better when you’re doing it with someone you really care about, not some random stranger you found at night on the street.

I went really slow at first, trying to ease into it, but Tommy kept hinting his impatience so I started to really pound on him. In and out, a messy rhythm.

“Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

“No, it doesn’t. It feels uhhh-“

“What?”

“Just keep doing it.” And I did. With each thrust, his grip on the sheets got tighter and tighter.

“Oh fuck Adam, I’m close. Don’t stop!” I went with a faster motion this time. Each slam was harder and deeper than the previous. I could feel my heart racing and both of our bodies' trembles and before I knew it, we were both covered in white sticky substance.

“That was amazing!” He was the first to react, followed by the question- “Wanna do it again?”

I just looked him in the eye and dragged him into the floor. His moans echoed to the entire room. And I joined him as we kissed and licked some more.

 

The first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning was: last night was the best! I rolled to my other side and found that it was empty. I was alone and Tommy is gone.

TOMMY’S GONE!

I wonder when he left. More importantly, **why would he**? We were just having the time of our lives! As I think of a reason of his absence by my side, I spotted a note on my bedside table next to my alarm clock. It just said:

“ _I’m sorry._ ”

 

 

Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was young when I did this, but I added some sex parts since when I wrote it before, it was just a lot of kissing lol. (Those were my innocent days.) Around 3 years ago, I stopped at Chapter 12, but I'm going to edit them first before I post them here. This would be a long story so I'm really hoping you could put up with it. (If people actually decide to read this.) By the way, please tell me your HONEST opinions. I don't mind criticisms, in fact, I like them. They would help me in my future writings.


	2. Inconsistent

 

The note that Tommy left still bugs the hell out of me. I can’t think straight during our rehearsals. I can’t focus on doing my thing when here he is, innocently invading my mind. I’m torn between my two great loves: My career and my glitterbaby. Correction again, this glitterbaby… unfortunately _not_ mine.

Tommy showed up late today. Which is odd. Showing up late is so unlike him. I wonder what happened. Did I upset him? Did I do something wrong? I’m fucking clueless right now. I wish he’d tell me.

Careful with my words, I tried to approach him. “Hey Tommy, you okay?”

He looked up to me and said nothing. I guess, my being careful with my words isn’t that successful, but what was I supposed to say?

 “Is there something bothering you?” I tried to ask again as I heard no response.

That time, I already know that this may not be the right moment to constantly interrogate him so I walked away and up to the microphone and started singing. I tried to hit him with Aftermath.

_Wanna scream out, no more hiding, don’t be afraid on what’s inside. Gonna tell you, you’ll be alright in the aftermath._

How I wish that just like my song, it's that simple. But it is that simple! The problem is just me, not being able to talk to him about what I feel. Ugh, fuck this! Love is the most fucked up feeling in the world.

This day of practice passed without any interaction between me and him.

I hate this day!

How could I have lived my life before I met this guy? Oh yeah, I don’t know! I just happened to become miserable when I met him. His love is sweet misery? I smiled thinking of my Crying performance at Idol before. However, it is true. How could few words that make up lyrics be so accurate? It describes my current situation right now. _I was crying when I met you, now I’m dying to forget you._ This is crazy. I can’t get the thoughts of him to leave my mind. I’m becoming too attached to this guy. And I feared that I really am. I don’t want to get my heart stomped on. It would be too hard to pick up the million pieces if he ever decides to break my heart. Well of course, sooner or later, he would break my heart _unknowingly_.

He likes girls.

The thought disgusts me (don’t blame me!) though I’m trying or should I say STRUGGLING to understand. Somehow, I think I should get him off my system. I don’t know how or if I could, but right now, I’ll try before hell breaks out in front of us.

 

 

Days turned to weeks and Tommy still hasn’t showed up to our jamming sessions. I found myself just missing him more and more each day. Okay, project try-to-forget-him isn’t working. But what really bugs me is the thought that I still haven’t got to tell him how important he is to me. I can’t go on like this! If I didn’t know better, I guess he was trying to slowly walk away from my life. And what hurts right now is I fucking don't know why. So I got my phone and tried dialing his number.

Damn, he’s not picking up!

Ahhhh! What should I do? I can’t watch another day pass by without knowing why he’s trying to push me away. I called him several more times during the night.

I guess he really was avoiding me.

 

 

I woke up and immediately checked my phone in case… Shit! He texted me at around 2 am and I didn’t hear my phone beeped? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Okay, calm down. Check what he said in the message and breathe.

 “Whataya want from me?”

For normal days, that phrase would have made me smile throughout the whole week (because, like yeah, it’s my song) but these past few days aren’t anywhere close to normal.

Whataya want from me. Oh Tommy, please give me a clue. I tried to make the conversation light and texted "Haha. Very funny Mr. Ratliff." I placed my arms under my head and try to close my eyes. Suddenly, I heard the beep.

He replied “Wanna meet up?”

 Usually, I would be going back to sleep again and ignore the text. For other people, I would have just blown it off but it’s no other people, it’s Tommy! So I tried to sound not too excited although I’m practically jumping up and down the bed and screaming inside.

I replied “Sure, where?” Not a minute later, I received his text. “I’ll just pick you up.”

I smiled to myself and erased all the negative thoughts I’ve been having the previous days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's not edited, though I read it first before I posted it. And I'll try to update as soon as possible. 
> 
> If I have something I need to improve on, please tell me. Thank you. (^_^)


	3. Secret Hide-out

He picked me up at around 4 pm. Like a traditional gentle man, he helped me get up to his motorcycle. He looks so manly right now, with our matching black leather jackets, you would’ve mistaken us as action stars. He handed me the spare helmet and off we go to… I don’t know. I was really being careful and not too obvious that I’m enjoying this moment with him. I almost fell the first few turns. And when my clumsy falling became frequent, Tommy stopped the motorcycle and looked behind him - to me. He got my hands and placed them around his rock-hard abdomen. I didn’t even notice that night that he has abs! Well, that definitely is another turn on!

“Hold on.”

He said as he goes back to manipulating the motorcycle. And I was like, sure Tommy, whatever you say. I’m going to hold on to you anytime. Instead, I just asked

“You sure?”

Well, I wasn’t entirely sure if he’ll find my actions too gay for him. Right there and then, he pulled my hands and placed it around his waist tighter.

We drove a two-hour trip to a lake. We got there just about sunset. Damn, sunset… how romantic! He stopped the brakes and helped me get down. Okay, I watched him just help me even if I can already get by myself. Of course, that’s Tommy Joe Ratliff for crying out loud! I’m not that stupid to complain. When my feet were finally on the ground, I intentionally kinda tripped into him. He looked me long enough in the eyes and I swear, my knees were weak.

He walked by my side the whole time we’re trying to reach our destination. How clueless can I get? I still don’t know where this guy would take me. I’d be a liar if I’d say I didn’t want him to tie me on the bed and rape me but, I really don’t know what we’re doing here. Damn, Lambert, stop bitching... just enjoy this moment with your favorite man.

After a 7-minute walk (which seemed like forever by the way, but since I’m with him, time doesn’t matter anymore) we finally got to a stop. He motioned me to sit next to him on a rock and I did what he told me to.

“This is my secret hide-out.” He started the talk but refuses to look at me.

“Oh really now? Well it’s not that much a secret anymore.” I tried to wash the down-on-the-dumps vibes he was bringing around us.

He tried to smile a little but then it vanished with a blink of an eye. “I’m being serious here, Adam. No one ever knew about this spot except for me.”

“And me.” I wonder when he’s going to his point. I hope sooner because right now, I’m fighting the urge to just drag his head and kiss his lips as passionate as I could.

He then looked at me with so many question marks all over his face. As if he’s trying to pick his words to say. Ironic enough, I was doing the same too. I’m trying to be careful about what to ask him. You know, like little girls talking to their crushes the first time. Oh God, I’m such a dork. Right at that moment, he just nodded and smiled shyly. “Yeah, and you. Just us.”

Us.

The sound of his sweet voice kept on lingering my mind.

Us.

Music to my ears.

 

 

 

 

I remember just hours ago, I was so damn excited when Tommy showed up at my door and escorted me to his motorcycle. Hours ago, I was as happy as a kid who's eating ice cream to just think that I’ll be able to talk to Tommy again. Hours ago, I was feeling ecstatic. And now, shattered. So what happened, you ask? Well, here’s the first clue: I left with smeared liner on my face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it's just now that I updated. It was my first day in college and I was kind of busy, but I swear, I'll make time to finish this story.


	4. Favor?

The previous conversation kept flashing through my mind. Over and over again. Haunting me.

“So let’s get things straight here. Tommy, why weren’t you showing up anymore?”

“I have to find myself.”

“What do you mean find yourself? That isn’t much of a reason, Ratliff!”

“Why do you care, in the first place?”

Well, this was a shock. Is he trying to catch me red-handed? I just didn’t feel like fessing up my feelings that second so as he hear no response, he begun talking again. This time, more emotional, with tears forming in his eyes. “Huh? Adam? I should’ve known.” Say what? I don’t even get what he’s trying to point out here and now he’s crying and mad like shit. I don’t know what to say. So I just went with the easiest response.

“What?”

He looked up tearful at me and forced a laughter. “Forget it Lambert. You wouldn’t understand.” Okay, I know I’m attracted to him but he’s being such an asshole right now. “What’s to understand?” I said softly. He looked away and I grabbed his shoulders to force him to look at me. “Tell me, Tommy.”

“Adam, about what happened that night… I’m really sorry.” I can feel his sincerity, which shows through those deep soulful eyes. But what I really didn’t get is the reason why he’s apologizing. I mean, I liked it, what’s to worry about? He began speaking again.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“So… you didn’t like it?”

Tommy sniffed and said nothing. Suddenly, I decided that I had enough guts to ask him: “What about us?”

He got up and tried to leave. Hello, Earth to Tommy, you’re seriously leaving me now? How could I go back to town without any means of transportation in this secret place of yours? But that wasn’t the issue. I followed my instinct and grabbed him by the arm. He pushed my hand away then stared at me the opposite of what I saw in his eyes a while ago. Now it’s flat, emotionless, lifeless.

“There’s no us Adam. There’d never been. There’ll never be. Did you forget, we’re doing this for _their_ entertainment?”

His voice was soft but cuts like a knife. No, a knife’s cut isn’t even anywhere close to what I felt when he let go of those cruel words. It was more of paranoia of death. Knowing that you would die soon enough, but not knowing when you’ll hit the rock hard bottom of your pointless life. I guess he saw the obvious hurt in my eyes, so he lifted my chin and kissed me gently but long enough to make me feel worse than what I’m already feeling. Are we having our last kiss now? Tommy, could you figure out a better ending? Yeah, so much for my fairytale. Why was he doing this to me? A minute ago, he just told me that there is no us, and now, he’s pressing his lips to mine.

As our lips part, a single tear from his left eye rolled over his cheeks and he finally opened his eyes. He looked at me with the same loving eyes as before, cleared his throat then finally said “I need your help.”

Again, I’m clueless but I’m willing to do anything for him.

“What is it?”

“Would you promise to do it?”

Again, I asked “What is it?”

“Please promise me first.”

His crying wasn’t loud but more of a continuous sniffing with actual flowing tears. I sighed and finally fell into his trap.

“Oh, okay.” I hung my head down as I patiently waited for an answer.

“Forget me and please.... don’t ask me why.”

 I lifted my head and looked up at him questioningly.

“Tommy, how could I?”

I patiently waited for his response.

“Adam, just… just do it.”

I wasn’t sure why he’s switching moods so sudden but he looked at me pleadingly, very convincingly. And even if I don’t agree to do this favor for him, I promised to. Who knows, maybe I’ll be less miserable after forgetting all about him? I nodded slowly, still trying to digest all of what he had said as the tears that I have been trying to hold back started to fall seemingly endless. I never thought 8 words could make a very big impact in my life.

_Forget me and please don’t ask me why._

I was hurting but I can sense that he is just hurting just as much as I am.

That was my pathetic flashback.

For their entertainment.

That fucking statement.

That fucking reason is why I’m considering ending my life right now. I know it would seem a little too dramatic for you to hear. I swear, that’s what I thought too, before. But now that I’ve experienced all this love shit, I now understand.

Forget him? Is he even serious? Oh, who am I kidding, I saw it in his eyes. His tears spoke for him. I didn’t need to ask. Shit. This is fucked up. He is the biggest jerk ever… but I know I can’t stay mad at him no matter how many times he hurt me and no matter what he does. And I hate myself for feeling that way. 

I looked over at the beautiful lake that lies in front of me. Not really that beautiful now. It just looks like the countless tears I’ve been and will always shed for Tommy.

As the sun sets, my life ends. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chill, Adam's life didn't literally end (and this fic still continues). I meant it like... that day, he lost the will to live, because he thinks or thought Tommy is his life. 
> 
> The answers are on future chapters. :)


	5. The Aftermath

 

So what did you expect from a broken hearted person? Well duh, miserable life. I guess I love torturing myself because I just went through all the fan made scrapbooks I’ve received so far. I want to smile thinking of how our fans react to our kissing. Adommy kissing. But it’s fucking _fictional_. I turned the scrapbook’s page and the teasing got worse. There was that picture of us, my hands around Tommy’s shoulders and the text was written in bold letters.

 **Hey guys, this is Tommy Joe Ratliff. You like him?** On the lower right corner was the continuation of the message. **Wanna know something funny? He likes girls but he also likes... THIS.** The word “this” was written with all caps, all emphasis included, followed by a picture of our tongues fighting for dominance.

I want to stop this feeling because it's getting me nowhere. I want to wake up from this nightmare I call reality, but how?

 

 

I woke up kind of late today. Don’t blame me, my heart just been torn apart! Even sleep isn’t my friend. I tried to rub off the sleep out of my eyes and went to the bathroom.

As I saw the person looking back at me, I was thinking, it was the same reflection ever since I was young. The same blue eyes, same freckled lips, same shape of face. But it was sure not the same person early yesterday. I shook my head and washed my face, followed by my daily routine.

 

_You’re going to change me, I already knew_

_I already cared enough, too much, since day two_

_The only thing I’m asking from you_

_Is someday, I hope you’d love me too._

 

Am I being too dramatic now? Making poems about a guy who just recently broke my heart? I guess now I know how Taylor Swift felt with the guy she often writes her songs for. For so long, I honestly thought it was very pathetic. Now, I get it.

A thought just hit me. One of the reasons why I agreed to forget about Tommy is I thought I would be better and less distracted without him. Sounds harsh? Trust me, I know. Fuck, I’m actually more miserable than ever!

I can’t go on like this.

I was wrong.

Tommy, I want another chance. But what chance do I have? I just wasted it by a single nod of agreement.

I hope I could just turn the fucking hourglass upside down. Anyone knows where to buy a time machine? And OH SHIT. Now that I’m reflecting about what just happened… I suddenly realized.

I HAVEN’T TOLD HIM YET!  

And how am I supposed to talk to him now? When I should be forgetting him and not thinking about him. But how could I not think about him? Every second of my goddamned life, he is the reason why I’m still striving to live. Every freaking heartbeat of mine belongs to him. Anyone, please, I’m begging, just kill me now. I bet dying would hurt less.

I finally managed to get on with my outfit and add a little make-up for the total look. You’d be surprised how I’m still being a conscious freak after everything that happened. But I’m not dressing up just to impress the media. I honestly just want to feel attractive, especially when the guy of my dreams doesn’t think of me the same way. 

As I drove away, I turned the radio on. I changed the station few times (to lessen the depression with an even more depressing song). Then I got to a stop. It seems like a great song, and to my convenience, it’s a fast song, not the usual break-up songs nowadays. The lyrics start hitting and trust me, I listened very intently.

_What do I do with a boy like you, l-like you, what do I do with you? ... Now I’m so confused, is this a part of your plan? I don’t really understand. **WHAT DO I DO WITH A BOY LIKE YOU.**_

It was my friend, Ke$ha’s song. I was wrong. Again. It’s a fast, upbeat song, but with lyrics that just read the story of my life precisely. Ke$ha’s right. The song was right. How could I forget a boy like him, when everything that’s in there, everything that I have, reminds me of him?

 

Tommy, what do I do with you?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a one dramatic chapter. i know, haha. i think it's too much, myself too. but i wanted to portray the hurt, thus.. this.


	6. It's No Surprise

Another day, another disappointment.

This day on my to-do list: Promise yourself **not** to look at Tommy.

So I took a deep breath and entered the studio and…

 

WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE PEOPLE?

 

I entered another room to the left.

 

“Oh, there you all are!” I looked at the room, this time with more of my attention and noticed that my band mates are down.

“What happened in here? Did I miss something?” Monte, before speaking looked at me with gloomy eyes that mirrored all of my other band mates’ emotions.

“Well you will miss someone for sure.” Like the naïve that I usually am, I asked: “What?”

I kind of panicked in my mind but pretended that I still have no idea even if I’m already having conclusions to myself.

“Tommy quit.”

Shit. I knew it would happen, but I was hoping it won't be anytime soon. I didn’t want to admit the fact that I maybe the reason why he quit.

Trying to blink the forming tears in my eyes, I said softly “Why do you think he quit?” Monte was now comforting me, patting my back like a supportive brother but he stopped to face me

“He said he needed to get away.”

Uh-oh, here we go again. Tommy, get away?

“From what?” … or who, (I wanted to add but never mind) this time my voice got louder. I already knew the answer – It’s me. Monte just shrugged his shoulders and left me trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. God, he really does hate me. Or at least, he really wants me to forget him. As if that makes any difference. As if that makes me feel any better. One word: WHY?

Technically, I still haven’t broken my promise yet. Because right now, I’m not looking at Tommy Joe. Why? Well, he’s not fucking here! But you know, sure… I’m not looking at Tommy but my aching heart is looking for him.

I tried to distract myself from my mixed-up thoughts and once again, looked at the people who were always around me. Always around me… and Tommy. It’s as if we were at a funeral ceremony. Not everyone is wearing black but the thing is, that moment, we all had a common denominator. Disappointment. Sadness. Confusion. How could that fucker leave such a wonderful group of people loving him and accepting him open-mindedly. More importantly, how could he ask me to forget him when all I did was to love him unconditionally and whole-heartedly. Okay, scratch that. I know I _haven’t_ told him yet, but how come he wouldn’t sense what I feel? I don’t think he’s that dumb to not know. I don’t think he’s that numb to not feel. I’d be stating the obvious, but I really just can’t seem to get over the whole try-forgetting-Tommy thing. It’s still so fresh, so brand new to me. And by that, I mean like I have a fresh wound in my heart. Which would… I know, take a long, long, long time to heal.

My band mates know what I'm going through, of course. We're all going through the same shit together. Maybe opening up wouldn't hurt? So I tried to do that exactly.

“Here’s the thing… guys, I love Tommy.” I looked up and saw slight smiles from everyone.

“What? No gasps? No comments? No… violent reactions?”

 Monte got up to where he was sitting and came towards me. “Well, we sort of already knew.” Like seriously? Am I that obvious?

“It’s obvious, Adam.” Whoa. Did Monte just read my mind there?

“How come?” I asked innocently.

“Don’t we all agree that Adam’s the only person often with Tommy? That he’s the most affected by Tommy’s sudden loss?” I watched as each one of them nodded to every statement Monte just laid out for me. “And that Adam’s face reddens whenever we talk about Tommy?” I can feel my cheeks starting to burn up and they laughed in chorus as they try to point at my current shades of red.

I wonder why it isn’t that hard to admit to my band how I’m feeling about Tommy. But when it’s already Tommy himself, my mind just goes blank and my tongue is tied, simply speechless.

Then the laughter subsided. I think we all got the clue that we shouldn’t be that happy about this yet. A piece of us had just gone missing in action. And as if to stop myself for further thinking, Monte put his hand on my right shoulder and began leading me to the hallway. I can’t wait until we get to where we’re going. I needed to know.

“What’s this about?” I finally asked.

“I just thought we needed a private conversation together.” Okay. I don’t know where this is going. “I’m not yet done laying the facts that I already know you love Tommy.”

Why were we talking about this again? I remained quiet and closed my mouth tight shut so that I could understand what Monte’s telling.

“One time, I saw you peeking at his bathroom in his dressing room.” I feel like I’m blushing and I think I am. Monte started to laugh then he looked at me with his serious face.

“Does he know? Is that why he quit?”

Damn. I’m really not really in the mood to talk about this but, what the heck? Okay, I’ll answer. “Nah, I never really had a chance to tell him.”

“Oh contraire, you always had the chance. You weren’t just brave enough.” He’s talking to me with so much concern. I can’t help but be in pieces.

“You’re right Monte. I’m not brave... not at all. I thought I was. I thought wrong. And now, how could I ever tell him?” He tried to force me to smile, and I did. And then he answered my question.

“When he comes back.”

Comes back? I wonder when will that be? Will that be soon? Will that ever happen? Will I see him again?

“Will he?”

“Warning, this may sound very corny to hear but I believe in destiny. If you two are really meant for each other, no matter how distant he is, you’ll be together someday, somehow. Because when you love, it’s either you’ll always will or you never did.”

“Thanks a whole lot bro, I’ll try to keep that in mind.”

I didn’t tell him the whole story. And I feel that I shouldn’t just tell them yet. The whole conversation by the shore isn’t going to be a help for them.

Monte might be my most trusted person right now, but I’m still not willing to erase Tommy from my life. And as if it’s like I have even the slightest romantic feeling towards Monte. Now, now, that’s just sick. We're like brothers not really like a couple. Whatever it is, I trust him more now than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adam + monte = not happening. sorry guys, i just can't imagine. and lol as if there are people shipping that. (wait, are there? .. if you read this, i meant no offense)


	7. A Breath of Fresh Air

It’s already been three months and Tommy is still not here. I wonder where he is. I wonder how he’s doing. Is he eating well? Does he live in comfort? Or… *gulp* is he in love with someone already?

I miss going on gigs with him. Because of his leaving, we had to limit our bass on the strumming hands of Monte. I guess that will do for the band for now. But without Tommy, I just don’t have that same energy on stage.

I started hitting those notes. I guess my high notes are known in this place. In… where am I again? Okay, I just got down the plane not an hour ago so don’t go judging me. I saw one billboard over few meters away.

So yeah, I am in Finland.

Going back to what I was talking about, I guess my high notes are famous in Finland. Isn’t this awesome? I feel like some kind of a world-wide star. An international sensation, when I just came from one state.

From the stage, at a distance, there was this very remarkable guy. Seemingly perfect blonde hair. A little shorter than me. With tattoos. Reminds you of _someone_? Well, whoever it is you’re thinking, this guy is totally my type.

LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU TILL YOU SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

A minute ago, the dude I was talking about was jumping with the crowd, and now, after I opened my eyes, I can’t find him anymore. Where the fuck is he? Well, that’s a bummer, but okay, I'll just continue the show.

 

The gig was a blast. I never felt so alive after… after Tommy left. After the show, we all agreed to celebrate our new start. New shot at success. Again. But this time, just us. No more TJR.

We went to a bar and started ordering our drinks. Some even started checking out guys and hitting on girls. Of course, I wouldn’t miss my chance. This is a brand new beginning. Right then, we saw a guy wearing a black leather jacket enter. The guy began ordering at the front with the bartender. My bandmates noticed me staring too long so they dared me to get up and try to hit jackpot tonight. After we clinked our glasses, I slowly strutted my way towards him.

“Heyyy. Are you from Tennessee?” It was now his turn to face me. I was at awe looking at his face. His blue eyes are like the calmest picture I've ever seen.

“Uh, hey… uhm, why?”

“Because.. you’re..the, the, the only 10 I see..” I stuttered with my words. I can’t help it.

“Uh-oh, I’m sorry, You see, I’m not from Tennessee. I live here in Finland, but it’s okay. I’m already aware 'bout the fact that I’m hot. I get that a lot. You’re not bad yourself too.” I laughed and he did too.

“I’m Adam Lambert.” I said as I extended my hand for him to shake.

“I know.” He shook my hand gently and smiled. His smile has this genuine touch in it that would make you want to believe in every word he says.

When he realized we were staring too long at each other, he cleared his throat and said: “I’m Sauli Koskinen, by the way.”

“So-li?” I am not so certain on how to pronounce his name and also, I just want to hear him say it again.

“No, no, no.” He’s so adorable doing that finger-disapproval gesture. “It’s Sauli, like Saww-liiii.”

I just stared at him and an “Oh” managed to escape my lips. God, his eyes put stars to shame. In this kind of dark place, with only few beaming lights to guide your walking, he shines. Right then I realized who I was talking to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just because tommy left, doesn't mean he's not going back ;)
> 
> but hey, sauli's finally in the story!


	8. He's... something.

It was now my turn to clear my throat. “Oh, hey. Aren’t you the --- .”

 What are you doing Lambert! You’ll freak the guy out! 1. You can’t ask him if he was the hot dude you saw a while ago in the audience.

“The what?” He waited patiently for an answer.

“Never mind.”                                                        

“No, no, tell me.” He seems very interested but still, I can’t tell him that.

“I was just thinking if you were the one I saw at the show awhile ago.” Smooth, Lambert. Smooth.

“Well, I am in the audience awhile ago. Funny that you noticed, I mean... remembered me.” His cheeks are getting red, it’s just so adorable. “You were great up there. And I am very lucky to have the privilege to talk to you up close.” Is it time to get out of the friendzone yet?

“Nah, I’m luckier that I’m with someone as adorable as you are.” I hope that statement will do. He’s turning scarlet again, damn that drives me crazy. And he has this cute dimple on only one side of his cheek.

“So what do you think?" He said.

“What?” I wasn’t listening to what he was saying minutes ago so if it wasn’t obvious, I feel so stupid right now. He smiled that cute smile again then continued telling me what he was asking about.

“If you don’t mind, may I get your number?” Oh God, he’s blushing again. Of course, I’m not that dumb, I’d give him my number, no hesitations.

“Here.” I handed him my calling card and winked. “Give me a call sometime.” He nodded his head. “I’ll try.”

Sawwliiii, what do you mean you’ll try???

 “I hope you’d understand if it won’t be soon, I have some... uhm, appointments to attend to and this week will be very hectic for me. But of course, I’ll consider calling you… that’s if you’re free to talk to.”

I’m drowning in his endless ocean of pretty blue eyes. For you, Sauli, I’d always be free. And available, if I may say so.

“You may call me anytime. And I mean, ANYTIME.” I think I made it pretty clear for him, he nodded once again and turned bright red. This whole blushing thing is stealing my sanity away. How is this even attractive? I think I'm the only one who finds this cute. 

He shyly gave me his card too and before he could turn his way towards the restroom, I stopped him by grabbing him in the arm.

“Uh, hey. Can I ask you something?”

He raised his eyebrow then finally nodded. “Sure. What is it?”

 His smile never vanished while he talks. I think it was opportunity knocking on my window. So I reached for my pockets and got a hold of my phone. I took a stolen shot of him. It all happened very fast, because he tried to wrestle me on the floor just to delete the picture. We got up breathlessly and laughed together.

“That wasn’t exactly a question.” Aww, he does this cute little pout.

“Well, the way you reacted answered my question – you were a little camera shy.” Very ironic for a Finnish celeb. I just knew his name is big in this country by the bartender's looks. And my question was supposedly: can I take a picture of you? He grabbed my arm and got my phone. We wrestled some more and were attracting a lot of attention from the people in the bar. I looked over at his picture and it’s just what I needed! His chest was a little exposed and his eyes shining.

“It isn’t bad, see?” He stood up and helped me get up.

“Yeah right.” He said sarcastically.

“You’re a pretty boy Sauli, you don’t have to hide anything.”

“You know nothing, Adam.”

Okay, am I really talking to Sauli or is this some kind of Tommy reincarnation? I think he saw the way I questioned his previous statement and he quickly changed the topic.

“So, what’s the picture for?”

“To have something to fantasize every night.”

He blushed all the shades of red and I was laughing uncontrollably, I almost fell off my chair. He put a protective arm over me to prevent me from falling but I can tell he was kind of shocked with what I just said. I finished laughing and assure him that I won’t let him be the star of my jack offs (well, it depends). He laughed and then raised his eyebrow again. “What? Oh, still the picture, huh? You don’t get over things quickly, I see. Well, the picture was supposedly for a caller ID, if you decide to call me, then I have something to watch pop up from my phone.”

“If that’s the case, why didn’t you just say so? Or at least, we could have taken a better picture in another place.”

IN ANOTHER PLACE! Is he planning to take me somewhere? A meeting for the second time? A date? Whoops. Lambert, slow down.

 

The night was full of laughter and a little affectionate gestures. One time, I’d put my hand on top of his and he’d smile. He lets his leg slightly touch my leg under the table. I feel so struck but of course, the night had to end and we both said our goodbyes and headed home.

As I was driving away, I played the conversation over. How he turns red at almost everything and how thick his accent is and how he kept making me interested in our talk. I was soooooo glad to meet him. This is the beginning I've been waiting for. A great opportunity to finally try and get over with Tommy Joe. I mean, I wouldn’t use Sauli. That’s the last thing I would want to do. Let’s just see where this budding romance between me and Sauli goes. And this time, I sure hope I won’t get my heart broken. But I have a real good feeling about Sauli, because first: he seems like a genuinely nice guy and second: he’s clearly not straight.

His looks.. just a bonus.

                                                     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i had a sex part in the first chapter, but i actually love a fanfiction with more of a story than literature porn. so i'm trying. TRYING. to make it have some... i don't know, depth? some... butterflies? 
> 
> i don't even know. 
> 
> are people even reading this? haha


	9. Uhh Details?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't think of a title lol
> 
> and sorry i don't update fast... busy with college, but i try.

I wonder when I could see him again. C’mon Sauli, give me a call.

“Abracadabra, I command you to ring!” God, I’m pathetic. I’ve lost it. I’m staring at my phone waiting for his picture to pop up. And get this, I was actually talking to my phone! Good thing I live alone, or else, they’d think I’m insane. Not that... I’m not.

I went downstairs and headed to the fridge. I got myself a glass of water as I continue to mind-babble about him. I know, I don’t want to act so clingy, but I am becoming one.

Sauli Koskinen. His name is as remarkable as his face and personality. Sigh

Oh wait, what’s that? Is that… is that my phone? Oh my God! My phone’s ringing. That was fast!

I sprinted through my way back to my bedroom. When I entered the door, my mind was like: where’s my phone? where’s my phone? where’s my phone? Oh, there it is. Why did I ever put it under my pillow before I got downstairs? Okay, enough with the whining, let me answer the call.

Trying to sound flirty, I greeted “Hey. Missed me?”

There was a long laughter from him. A familiar laugh. Right then, I realized. Fuck, it wasn’t Sauli.

“Shit, Monte… I didn’t mean to say that. Like really, I thought you were---” I started to explain but then he cut me off.

“Relax Adam. *more laughing* It’s okay, really.” Man, that was really embarrassing. I feel like I’m being filmed on a prank show right now. I wish I could go back a minute ago and just peeked at the caller id to see who it was. To prevent this unexpected sudden embarrassment. But no, what did I do? I ran towards my room, felt for my phone under the pillow and started speaking up before I even know who I was talking to.

“You see, wait… why are you calling me anyway?” He’s still laughing, damn.

“And you thought I was who?” My cheeks are burning up, let’s just be defensive, shall we?

“Hey, no fair! I asked you first!”

“Okay, just to check up on you. For some juicy details.” Juicy details?

“WHAT???”

“Hey, now it’s not fair, answer mine!”

“I thought you were… some guy.” I figured I couldn’t tell his name without sounding like not myself. Knowing Monte, he would interrogate me all day if he would know about him.

“There you are, finally fessing up. The leather-wearing guy?”

“How’d you know?” Oops, I guess I should’ve never have said that. Now he caught me.

“Well, that’s what I called you for. The details. I saw you left with a big goofy grin on your face. I was wondering why, but then you just answered it for me.” They were all right. I am too obvious, too predictable.

When I didn’t answer, he continued talking. “What was his name? Hey, did you get his number? Will you meet again?” I'd like to answer: His name is Sauli Koskinen. Of course, I wouldn’t leave without knowing anyway to contact him again. And I sure hope so. But I can’t tell Monte that!

“Earth to Adam?”

“Oh, sorry, I was spacing out.” Earth to Adam… spacing out, get it?

“I see. Thinking about your boy, huh?”

“My boy? Well, he’s not mine.” YET.

“Okay, seems like you need some more time alone to fantasize about YOUR boy. Call you next time to _check on you_ again.” My boy? Is there really a possibility that Sauli could be mine? But wait, check up on me?

“WHAT??!!” And he hung up.

He's so dead when I see him at band practice.

 


	10. Let's Talk About the Weather

“A hurricane is just about to hit Helsinki today and the following days. More details will be announced as soon as the weather radar detects threat. Just to be sure, better be ready to bring your---“

I turned the television off and sipped the last drop of my coffee. That should be enough to keep me awake.

I grabbed my things and headed to my car. As I walk to the parking lot, gray clouds are starting to form. Darker and darker by the minute. I ran as it began drizzling over me. Phew! Good thing I’m now inside the comfort of my BMW.

I put on my windshield and watched as it washes away the heavy droplets of rain. Great. I’m stuck here, in my car, on a red-light and it’s getting colder. Luckily, I always bring an extra coat in the trunk. I’ll just get it later.

Still waiting for this traffic light to go green, I turned sideways and caught a glimpse of Sauli.

Wait, what?!?

Could it really be him? Or am I just hallucinating?

I drove my way to the nearest parking space and hit the brakes. Made my way back to the bench where I think I saw Sauli and sure enough, he was really there!

“Heyyy. Are you from Tennessee?” I smiled after repeating the first phrase I ever told him.

“For the last time Adam, I’m from Finland. And I’m the only 10 you see, I know. I know.” I swear, I heard him laugh a little.

I sat down beside him and closed my umbrella. He looked at me and asked “What are you doing here?” Should I tell him the truth?

“Well, I was caught in the traffic and noticed a cutie.”

He laughed nervously. “Is that so?” He looked at me with those dreamy blue eyes, but is he that nervous? I can see that he’s shaking so hard.

“You okay?”

He just closed his eyes and asked an innocent “Huh?” Oops, now I know why he’s quivering. How more insensitive could I get? I removed my black with grey streaks scarf and tied it carefully around his neck. Careful not to suffocate him.

“T-t-thanks Adam.” There’s the dimple I missed!

“No prob. What are you doing in the cold anyway?”

“I was j-just going to buy something, b-b-b-but then… my feet were too numb to walk already so I sat and now I’m freezinggg.”

“You should’ve listened to the news this morning.” I tried to blur his bad day.

He laughs “Right, I should have. Thanks for the tip.”

“Well you said you were going to buy something, did you get to buy it?”

“Obviously, no.” Sassy Sauli is a cute Sauli.

“Oh, sorry. Want me to buy it for you?”

“No, you’ve done enough. It’s okay. Really. And I better get going. Thanks for your time and concern Adam, I mean it.” He got up from his sit and began to wipe the droplets off his coat.

“Oh okay then.” But then it started to snow. The little precipitates began falling over our heads. I grabbed my umbrella and got him to stand beside me. He had a reason to stay with me now!

We ran while I held the umbrella. We enjoyed stepping on little puddles the storm created and laughed at the simplest thing that comes in mind.

We finally got to a stop. On a corner of a dark side in the alley, he’s face radiates that glowing essence like it usually does. When we decided it was time to separate and get going with our individual lives, he started walking first.

But then he looked back and said “Wait, your scarf!”

“Nah, trust me, you’ll need it.” I winked.

“I swear Adam, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll give it back next time I see you. Just wait for my call, kay?” He ran towards the other direction while waving, with his smiling face at me. That freaking dimples. Dammit.

Did he just say he’d call? Yup, I think he did! Now I don’t have to go crazy-freak to make my phone ring. Because now, it would ring! By itself! With his call! And his caller id on my screen!

Awesome! Now I gave him a reason to meet up with me. I’m getting good at this. That terrible storm isn’t too terrible now, is it? It’s actually a wonderful thing! And to think that it snowed at the right moment, isn’t that sweet? When I was younger, I used to hear that when it snows and you’re with someone you really like, that person’s your soul mate. I never knew what it was about, but suddenly now I do. Is this me? I'm acutally starting to believe. I sure hope that he’s really my soul mate. Especially that now, I think I might be falling for him. Am I ready for this again? I don’t want to expect or anything but really, I am hoping. Crossed fingers!

Oh thank you unpredictable weather patterns, thank you!


	11. Introducing The Leather-Wearing Dude

I entered the studio and knew exactly what to do first: Get even with Monte. 

“Yo, Monte!” I hung my coat and dropped my sling bag to the floor. Monte was acting like a child and he looks so ridiculous! Someone with his age shouldn’t be playing hide and seek already. But sure, if he wants to play, I’ll give him a game.

“Uhuh, hiding from me, are you?” I knew exactly where he is and walked slowly to his spot. He saw me immediately and his eyes turned into two big circles.

“Shocked?” I didn’t give him a chance to even speak. Since he was acting like 7, I gave him a noogie.

“Shit, Adam! Stop that, you fucker!”

“Who’s laughing now, huh?” I said still not releasing his arms. I’m obviously a bigger man, he’s no match. When I finally decided he’s breathless, I stopped and smiled at him.

“Bastard!” I know he was irritated by the sudden noogie, but he can’t hold his smile back. I guess, he noticed my extra special smile today. Of course, he couldn’t just miss pointing it out. And so he did.

“Well somebody’s in a good mood.”

“Who?” I tried to not smile as he hit the back of my neck.

“Ouch!” I whined and made this wacky exaggerated expressions to show how "painful" it was.

“Wait, you asked who, right? Funny you did.” He turned to face my band mates and began his speech.

“Guys, do ya’ll remember the leather-wearing guy at the bar the night after our first stay here?”

“Oh no you won’t.” I turned to face him eye to eye. With my furious eyes.

“Oh yes I will.” He said with a big smirk on his face.

My band mates pick up pretty fast. They knew exactly what we were talking about. So now, we’re all on the same page, I hear gasps and applauses on the background.

Monte is still not yet done with his talk, careful not to miss every single detail. I thought it was already enough and so I started to speak.

“Thanks for the claps and gasps. I really need it right now. Terribly. Thank you, especially to Monte.” I went behind him and slapped his nape.

“Ow. That hurts. You’re so immature!”

“Ha. Me? You should’ve thought about that before doing that to me earlier.”

But my GNT family members were still into the thought of me getting a guy for myself. And so they interrupted our conversation.

“Oh my God! You, you, you ---“ Brooke was stuttering with her words, as if she was digging into her mind trying to find the right adjective to describe me. “You bitch!” She hugged me and gave a sisterly smile. “You get boys faster than the rest of the girls here did!”

“Well, what can I say? I’m just that irresistible.” I flipped my short hair and made that hand gesture as if it’s hot in our air-conditioned studio, the one I do in fever. And that made the others laugh loudly too.

“Irresistible? Nah, I prefer the term whore.”

It was my time to laugh now. “Okay, but don’t tell me you’re not one.”

Someone gave me a slight punch at my back and I looked over to see a Sasha with a raised eyebrow and crossed hands behind me.

“What? You’re not gonna tell us your boyfriend’s name?”

“Boyfriend?”

“Don’t act dumb, Adam. The leather-wearing dude?”

“Okay, first of all, I’m not acting dumb because he isn’t my boyfriend yet and that leather-wearing dude has a name. It’s Sauli.” I smiled to myself thinking of his facial structures. “Sauli Koskinen.”

“Well it’s good to know that you’re done with Ratliff business from now on.”

I know Sasha didn’t mean to upset or offend me… or remind me of someone but-really, aren’t we over this yet? I’m afraid we’ll never be. Or I’ll never be.

The rest of the day that should’ve been for practicing went to trash as the others try to convince me into more revelations. Monte was doing a great job. No, he was consistently doing an excellent job to annoy me. My get-even-with-Monte was a fail. He wins this round. For the second time. There are only two things that are on my mind right now: Sauli and gosh, I’m fucking tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little hint. not yet done with ratliff business. ;)


	12. The Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god i know it's been a month. i'm sorry :(

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I hit the snooze button and the annoying beeping sound still doesn’t stop. Ugh. I tried to put my head under the pillows, but now that I’m awake, I can’t seem to go back to sleep. Now, I’m forced to wake up early. On a Sunday. I can’t believe this.

“Why does this fucking clock won’t turn off?” I said with eyes that could kill little animals. As if the alarm clock was living. I continued to turn it around for some time but I really couldn’t figure out what’s still making it beep.

And then I saw my phone beside it. Oh yeah, I didn’t set any alarm for today. I glanced at my phone again.

Sauli’s pretty face from our first meeting appeared on my screen.

Wait, what am I still waiting for? Pick up Adam. Jeesh. Here’s the call I’ve been waiting for.

“Heyyy. Are you from Tennessee?” I teased.

“Seriously Adam, are you gonna say that to me every time we talk?” I heard a little chuckle over the phone.

“You don’t like being remarked as hot, huh?”

“No point in arguing with you. So yeah, do you wanna go to my place or do you want me to come to yours?”   
  
There’s another one that I really love from him. Confidence. And also him being direct.

“Uhm, my hotel isn’t much of a fun one so can you give me directions to yours?”

“Yeah sure. No problem. Grab a pen and a paper.” I looked for those and luckily, they are just within my reach.

We spent the remaining minutes of the call with him explaining how I would get there and me jutting down notes.

I wore a very casual outfit, nothing special. Just an old shirt and jeans and I got going.

To my surprise, his place isn’t that far. Didn’t take so long for me to get there.

His yellow-white house has these big glass windows enough for you to peek in the inside just by passing the street. I saw his face lit up with the sound of my arrival. He walked over to the door to let me in. It’s even more spacious in here than just by looking from the outside. I let my eyes roam around the place until he finally asked me to sit and offered me something to drink.

“How about some beer?” He’s already rummaging his fridge while he was asking me.

“Sounds good.”

Immediately, he went back to the living room carrying those 2 beers in his hands. He gave me one and the other, his. He already went on gulping the stuff up and was almost finished with the bottle before I even started mine. I wiped the dripping water from the surface of the bottle and Sauli looked at me curiously with raised eye-brows.

“Are you kidding me?”

“What? It’s a force of habit!” I stopped wiping and looked at him.

“Do you really need to wipe all those off before you enjoy the drink?”

“I don’t like it wet.” I said flatly.

“You don’t like wet?” He stood and went upstairs.

“Hey, where are you going?” I can’t possibly think of anything I said to make him feel upset or something like that.

“Just wait down there.” His voice from up there was barely audible but I still heard it.

I sat with nothing else to do than wait and drink the beer that’s on my hand. Not too long, he went rushing to the stairs to the living room.

“So what did you do up there?” Then I noticed he’s now wearing different pants this time.

“I changed.” He said with a slight grin.

“Yeah, I already figured that out. But why?”

“I thought you said you didn’t like wet?” He winked and then it hits me.

“Oh… OH!” That’s all I managed to say. I’m blushing as I get the meaning of what he just said.

“Yes. Oh. And yeah, I wiped myself a little bit. It’s getting hot down here.” He’s still smiling half-pervertedly. When he realized I still couldn’t answer, he asked. “So what do you wanna do now?”

“Any good movie you have there?” I said but with a still apparent redness on my cheeks.

“Nah, I don’t watch much anymore but I love reading and writing though.”

“That’s great. Cool.” Then the snow outside distracted me. The flakes were so clear even just by looking by the windows. He finally followed my gaze and grabbed my arm.

“Wait, where are you taking me?”

“Relax. I’m not gonna do anything. I just saw how fascinated you are and decided to take you for a little walk.”


	13. Hot Choco?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking of a title is hard. haha

We went outside without locking the door.  Is this how they are in Finland? So safe, they don’t have to worry about getting robbed?

And like I said, I was just wearing an old shirt and jeans, so basically, I’m shivering.

“Here, take this.” Sauli said, handing his gray scarf to me.

“But wouldn’t you need it? It’s freezing out here.”

“Pshhh, remember you lent me yours? Now you’ll have mine.”

“Are you sure because—“ He didn’t even wait for me to finish my sentence. He just tied it around my neck so gentle and so quick.

“Oh okay, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But if you want to get hotter, I could suggest other ways.” He said with a wink. I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe my ears. He looks so much of an innocent child to be saying these words.

“Are you okay? Because I was just going to suggest hot choco.”

“What?? I know you didn’t mean hot choco!”

“Wait, what did you think I was talking about?”

“But-but you winked!”

“Butt?”

“Oh wow I can’t win.”

“C’mon, let’s just go back inside and I’ll make you hot.”

“Uhm… you’re going to make me a hot choco? Sure, I’d love that!”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

 

I waited for him once again in the living room. With nothing to do, I let myself check out his stuff. I don’t think he’d mind. His shelves contained books after books after books. There might be thousands of them. He has so many, I bet he’s so good in writing.

“Hey, I didn’t know you have a twin!”

“No, that’s a photoshopped picture of me with the other me wearing a wig, dressed up as a girl.”

“Seriously?”

“No, I was being sarcastic.”

“Wait, are you still sarcastic now?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Oh my god can you stop with that expression. You’re killing me!”

“Haha, okay. I’ll stop for now. Here’s your hot choco.”

“Thanks. So… you like living alone?” He sipped slowly as he was thinking about what to say.

“Like is not the word. But, yeah, I guess I’m okay.”

And then we were just quiet. It’s the good kind of quiet. The silence was comfortable and that’s really rare. Soon, we finished our drinks and no one still wanted to talk until after a few minutes, he did.

“Adam, can I ask you something?”

“Isn’t that already a question?” I said with a big smile on my face. Finally, it’s my turn.

“I meant can I ask another question?”

“But that’s already two, isn’t it?”

“Ugh. Screw this, I’m just gonna do it.”

“Wait, do what???”

And he just did it. Without my permission.

 

 

He kissed me. 


	14. Attacked

Days passed and I just keep falling deeper and deeper for Sauli. We’re officially boyfriends now. And I know it might seem fast, but why wait, right? He’s the sweetest, kindest, most positive person ever, how can one not fall for him? We’re making news and I don’t even care if they think this isn’t real. It’s the realest thing I’ve ever done, that I’m sure of.

 

Sauli and I were supposed to go somewhere tonight, but he just cancelled and texted me that he couldn’t make it. I wonder why, but I bet he has valid reasons. I was about to get into my car when a guy in a hoodie and a mask pulled me away. I saw that there were 4 more of them and decided not to fight. Not like I could. And then they just started punching me and kicking me into the ground. I can already taste blood and I feel pain everywhere. I couldn’t scream for I don’t have enough energy to. I can barely open my eyes. Finally, I heard a cop approaching. I know he was a cop because the guys started panicking and giving their last punches before they leave.

I didn’t know what they wanted from me. They didn’t take my car, or my phone, or my money. They just wanted to hurt me and I don’t get that. I don’t think I did anything to them. Hell, I don’t even know these people!

The first thing I saw when I woke up was Sauli sitting by my hospital bed, trying his best to smile at me.

“I got so worried about you! Thank goodness, you’re awake!” He placed gentle kisses on every part of my face and it felt nice and actually comforting.

“I’m glad you still want to kiss me even with these bruises.” I teased.

“What are you even talking about? You know I like kissing you, no matter where or when or what!”

“Did you know I love you?”

“Hmmm. Good question. But did YOU know I love you more?”

“I don’t think I know about the more part.”

“I’ll show you when you become more okay, okay?”

“Okay.”

I like that Sauli didn’t ask me much about the hoodie-mask guys because I didn’t really want to talk about that. Even the interviews, I tried to avoid them and if I can’t, I answered  3-word answers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't prolong or elaborated on the beating because i couldn't take the idea of him getting hurt. wow i'm such a fan .... gahhh


	15. Accusations

Monte and I just got into a fight. He keeps insisting that Sauli is a bad guy. That he saw him with the guys who beat me up that night. One, why was he stalking Sauli? Two, what would Sauli do with those guys? And three, why the hell would I believe him? I mean, who is he to talk about Sauli like that? I really don’t know what has gotten into him, but right now, I don’t care. I’ll let him be mad if he wants to. I’ll even let him leave the band, if ever.

What’s that ringing? Oh right, my phone. It’s Monte again and I just don’t need this right now. God, why won’t he stop calling me? Just to get this over with, I picked up.

“What do you want?” I said with an obvious annoyance in my voice.

“Adam, please you need to listen. Sauli is not the person you think he is. He’s not the innocent, sweet guy you know. Please. Please. Just listen.”

“Dammit Monte, why are you still pondering about this ridiculous thought? I know Sauli and he won’t hurt me, okay? Just stop with all these nonsense. Please.”

“But you don’t understand! I saw him, with my own eyes. Talking to those guys. The same that have already hurt you. Why won’t you believe me? Okay, this, tell me where Sauli was when you were getting beat up?”

That shut me up. I didn’t really know where Sauli was at that time. All I know is we were supposed to be going out, but I think he had some errands to do. “How can you be so sure that it was him? And sure, I don’t know where he was and I don’t care. Just leave us alone.”

“I just do! Same built, same style. It was him!”

“Did you think that was enough to conclude Sauli is a bad guy? No? Goodbye, Monte.”

“Fine, be that way! I don’t care anymore. Goodbye and good luck. I hope you’re happy.”

 

And I’m guessing I’m not gonna see him during band practices already. It was obvious that he just quit. Now where would I find guitarists again? Ugh. If only he wasn’t so stubborn. Why won’t he leave that stupid theory of his? It’s not like he has enough evidence to back up his story. I just. I don’t need this. I don’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo short -_-


	16. The Best Gift Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey... guess who's back? ;)

Soon, it was already our first anniversary and I couldn’t help myself but look back at how great the year has been. We’ve only become stronger and much more in love. I can’t wish for anything at the moment. (Well, maybe except for the fact that I still need a new guitarist.)

We went to this exotic-looking place full of tree branches twisted in the weirdest, most fascinating way possible. There were little lanterns everywhere and the patterns on the tiled floor reflected them beautifully. We finally got into our rented space and it was even more beautiful inside. There was a big odd-shaped glass window and pictures of us in each diamond lanterns. There were food and a cozy fire. Everything was perfect. Peaceful and enchanting.

In the middle of us eating, I held Sauli’s hands and lead him to my gift. It was hung on one of the branches. The branch was near the window and I saw someone wearing a navy blue cap looked at me with so much hurt. Those piercing brown eyes. In that minute, I knew exactly who he was. But what was he doing here? I immediately erased the thought in my head and removed the attached string in my gift.

“This is for you.” I said as I sprayed the first spray on his neck.

“Wow, thank you Adam. This smells heavenly.”

“You’re very much welcome. And it’s also so you won’t have to share with my perfume anymore.” Of course, I was kidding. I knew how much he liked the smell of this that’s why I bought it for him.

“But I like smelling like you!” He’s doing that fake pout and all I could think about is his lips and how it feels against mine.

I couldn’t resist the urge to push him down the floor and take our shirts off and just DO it there. It was funny and cute that he tries to wrestle me and make it on top of me when he can’t. Eventually, I let him dominate and he never fails to amaze me with what he’s capable of doing. He removed my pants with his teeth so slow, it felt like torture. When he got them off, he left my boxers and I feel annoyed that he was wasting time, but both of us wanted this to last, so I let him. Suddenly, he removed both of our scarves and tied my hands and legs into the roots of the trees. He then started leaving wet trails using his tongue from my inner thigh to my abdomen and to my neck. I was starting to get very impatient at this point, but just when I was about to protest, he pressed his lips into mine. Rough at first then all of a sudden, so gentle. So beast-like, but then so angelic. I don’t even understand all the sensations, all I could do is feel them. He was still frenching when I felt one of his hands reaching my cock. I tried to move my legs only to be reminded that I can’t, because well, my limbs are tied. I couldn’t keep still. The more Sauli rubs my cock, the more I want to touch him. Every part of him. I worked my way into grabbing his hair. It took long, but the look in his eyes when I did that was priceless. “Adam, tonight’s all about pleasing just you.” He said with a smirk. “What? Wait… Sauli, it’s OUR anniversary! O-U-R!” He ignored me and took my whole length instead. I wasn’t supposed to be shocked, but I was. His warm mouth enveloping my dick, so warm and so soft at the sides. He keeps doing this thing with his teeth and tongue that he knows could send me over the edge. And every lick, every slam into his face, every thrust is just making my eyes roll back in ecstasy. I can feel myself … I'm almost there. And God, he won’t stop. He’s sucking me like a freaking flavored popsicle and I can’t hold it back much longer.

I had a pretty long release and all Sauli did was watch me and bite his lip. “Damn, how can you be so adorable and so sexy at the same time?” I said while still trying to remove the tied scarves around my hands. “What can I say? It’s a gift. And speaking of gifts… I also have something for you.” He sat up, trying to reach something from his pocket aaaaaaand it is a ring. It’s a plain circular thingy, nothing really special about it, but the fact that he’s giving me one is more than special.  “But Sauli, the sex was too much already, now this?” “I wanted to give you a promise ring … something like that.” He was looking at the ground like the words he was uttering made him embarrassed. “Promise ring? You are sooooooo gradeschool!” I teased, but I let him gently put it in my left middle finger. “Why the middle finger though?” “Because this ring symbolizes our love and all those cheesy-clichéd-silly-romantic crap, but also it’s like a thanks for the amazing fucking. Is that okay?” That actually made me laugh a little. "Of course, that’s fine! But I wish you had one too.” “Oh but I do.” I looked at his left hand and there was really an identical ring with mine in his left middle finger. How come I didn’t notice that earlier? I look at him and he’s biting his lip again and I’m getting really frustrated because no matter what I do, I can’t break free. “Can you please remove these scarves already so I could pay you back?” He said no and just started kissing me again. His gifts totally beat mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned for the next chap.


	17. He's Back

I was driving and was caught in a heavy traffic jam. While the light was still red, my mind was wondering around, looking at things I could never look up close in public. But then someone caught my eye. I saw this familiar navy blue cap on this guy’s head while he was passing the pedestrian. I peeked and saw a glimpse of his eyes. It’s the kind of feeling I saw on the restaurant window. Hurt. I honked my horn and he immediately turned his head. I guess he already knew who I was. He was running too fast, and I really needed to talk to him. I have to.

Finally, I caught up with him. We’re in a corner of a building. Dead end perhaps. However, we both had a hard time catching our breath. My heart rate was rapid and his breathing is loud. I finally managed to talk, my voice trembling.

“Tommy… you always run away from me.”

It wasn’t in a form of a question but with his head down, he answered it anyway. “I need to.”

“You know, I’m sick of your reasons.” That finally made him look at me. His eyes were watery and it looked like he wanted to say something, but instead, he just turned his back like he’s going to run. And I know I can’t let this happen. I caught his sleeve and he’s trying to break free. “Please. Just let go.” “Not this time,” I said, looking into his eyes, searching for whatever answer I might find.

He swallowed hard and hang his head down again. “Do you know how much it hurts to leave, Adam? Huh? No, you don’t!”

Anger built up inside me. “Yes, Tommy. You’re right, I don’t know. You know why? Because I don’t leave! I never did. I’m always the one being left behind. Begging for company.”

He just looked at me. Like he always does when he couldn’t say anything else. He then just removed his arm from my weakened grip and walked away.

I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. He’s doing it again. Like the first time he broke my heart. And what was I doing giving him unlimited chances to take? To what? To break me over and over and over again?

But I was already fine. I’m happy with Sauli. And now he’s just back to fuck my feelings up again. But he’s not my property. He’ll never be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm annoyed at myself for making Tommy leave Adam always, but i'll be explaining in the future chapters


	18. He's Light in Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finals week... aaaaaaaaaaaand soon, i'll have more time to hopefully finish this fic already.

I didn’t even notice the hours of the day pass by after what happened... with Tommy.

Gahhh why does this keep happening? It’s like whenever I finally feel like I’m happy, something would always burn my happiness to the ground and I couldn’t do anything but watch it until the wind carries the ashes away.

Like fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck.

I went home feeling nothing but frustration and I feel guilty that I’m dragging Sauli’s vibes down. Not like I could just tell him why I’m feeling like this. There’d be so many questions and probably doubts and I can’t deal with those now. He’s too much of a ray of sunshine and I’m a big, dark cloud. Sometimes I wonder how he could put up with me. Sometimes I think he deserves better.

Every other minute or two, I feel him checking up on me with those blue worried eyes of his. Him wanting to ask, but not wanting to upset me by asking… I love him more because of that. He respects my decisions and he doesn’t only know what to say, he knows whether to say it or not.

“Do you want some beer while I strip or... hot choco with cuddly time?”

I managed to squeeze a little sound of laughter from my lungs and I saw him smiled at that, relief painted on his face.

“How about beer + hot choco while you strip and then we’ll cuddle after?”

He just stared at me and made a face. “Uhm, beer and hot choco combination? Blek. What were your taste buds thinking?”

“I didn’t know taste buds could think. I thought they just… well, taste.”

“Adam. C’mon!” I actually laughed at that. I couldn't take Sauli groaning. 

“Okay, okay! I think I’ll go for the cuddle part right now.”

“Great choice!” He slammed his body on the couch and started reaching for my waist. He looked at me smirking. “Last chance. Stripping performance. No?”

I just kissed his forehead and pulled him closer to me. With that in mind, I finally let my eyes close.

 

 

 

I woke up feeling muscular pains on different parts of my body. Apparently, we fell asleep on the couch. How we fit, I don’t know.

I was already smelling coffee when I got a text message.

 

**_Adam, Meet me at my secret hide-out. Please. I ** _need to tell you something important._**_ **

****

Oh no, not again. Not this again.


	19. Beyond Confusion

I think I spent 84 years just staring at my phone. Well, not really. But it felt that long. I didn’t know what to think about this. Do I want to meet him? Yes. Do I want to know what he’s about to tell me? Hell, yes. Would he answer the questions I’ve been asking him? And that’s where the dilemma comes in. I’m not real sure if he’ll just screw me over again. For fuck’s sake, when will I ever learn? But ugh it’s me and it’s Tommy we’re talking about here.

My train of thoughts was washed away by the thick accent of the greatest guy on Earth. “Here’s caffeine!” He said with a smile that stopped immediately when he saw the look on my face. “Is everything alright?”

I half-smiled and sipped the coffee on the table. He didn't force me to answer. Instead, he just sat beside me and drank his coffee too.

And I just can’t get my mind off of it again. It’s like when no one is there to talk to me, I lose myself into these “topics” I don’t even want to think about.

And in the last minute, just after I finished my coffee, I stood up and grabbed my jacket. “I’m just gonna go somewhere. Go eat dinner without me.” I started walking towards the door and I hear Sauli saying something, probably asking where I was heading into, but I'm not sure. I just walked and got in my car.

 

 

I still remember where it was. The view, the rocks, the water, and the sun. It was a two-hour trip and it was really long enough to make me go crazy. It’s already almost dark since I overslept and woke up at 3 pm.

After a few minutes of walking, I saw a familiar silhouette. Is it me or did he get skinnier? And at that, he turned to face me. Not really because he read my mind, but more like he felt my presence.

Those brown eyes. They look so distant, like I couldn’t reach it even by using a jet plane. They look so far away and… gone.

But he looked at me steadily and swallowed hard. He opened his mouth, but closed it immediately. And I just got so pissed, I felt the warmth on my face.

“Look, me going here, it was a really big decision, if you haven’t noticed. I didn’t really wanna meet up because well, I was sure you’re going to just shut up and run again. And I hate myself now, but I believed in you. That there’s something that kept me believing all this time you’d tell me---“

 

“Please choose me again.” He said it so soft, his eyes searching the ground. It was like a whisper kissing my ears.

 

“What? No. No. You’re not doing this to me again. No.”

“Adam, please. If there’s anything you could believe in again, it’s the fact that… I love you. _I’ve always loved you_ and I don’t know, I hate myself too! I saw you with your Finnish guy and how happy you were and I really wanted to stop these painful feelings. I tried to stop and I just can’t. I---“

I might never know what he was supposed to say next, but I really needed to ask this while he’s still telling me stuff. “Why only now?”

“I don’t know.” He looked up to me with his tear-stained face.

“What’s the deal, Tommy? You know what you’re doing to me… this? This is beyond confusing. Beyond fucked-up.”

And he said the two words that reminded me of our first night together. The worry, the fear and the hurt I felt after he left, all back at once. “I’m sorry.”

“You know what? I’m done. Goodbye.”

I turned away fast enough to not catch the look in his eyes. I don’t know what I’d do if I did see his expression. Take what I said back? Maybe. I suppose, it should feel good. Now that we’re even. But why does it not feel like I won? I finally pushed him away like all those times he did that to me and I still feel hurt and cheated. But what’s done is done and I left him there. There’s no looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because yay i have time to write now. i'm on my semestral break. :)


	20. Mr. Not-so-Perfect

It was easy for me to get out of the place for two reasons. One, I’ve already been here and was left to figure out how to go home alone. Two, I didn’t want to stay long.

I guess I finally did it. I cut off my ties to Tommy and I’m freed. If only things were that easy. I think one thing about loving someone is that no matter how much the person hurt you, there will still be a place in your heart for him. And it sucks. It sucks because I loved him. It sucks because it was real. It sucks because it hurts.

I tried to erase everything that happened at Tommy’s hide out and reached for my keys in my pocket. I opened the door and was surprised with the smell of food and scented candles. I smiled seeing Sauli waited for me when I clearly said he didn’t have to.  

I love that he got sick of waiting so he just slept at my couch still wearing his tux. I know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in those, but aww he even dressed up for this.

I walked over to my dining table and saw all these kinds of fancy food, I was pretty sure Sauli made them, but I don’t know if these are Finnish or Italian dishes. I grabbed one of the spoons meticulously placed on a napkin and tasted the chicken-pasta mix thingy and wow Sauli can cook! I looked over at his sleeping angel face and said a silent thanks to fate for him and his everything.

I was about to eat another bite when I heard his phone ringing. I tried to ignore it for the first 3 rings, but it’s really getting annoying so I stood and reached into his pocket.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

 

_Hey fag, what else do you want us to do to your boyfriend? We were thinking that the beating he got before wasn’t enough and we’re getting really bored now._

_PS. You know where to find us._

“WHAT THE HELL?” I said loud enough that it woke Sauli.

Sauli still rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted and lit up. “Oh hey Adam, you’re home! See, I made you this ch---“

I stopped him short and held up his phone. “Care to explain this?”

Upon seeing the contact name, he widened his eyes and said “Why is my phone with you?”

I stood up, threw his phone on the couch and my anger rose with my voice “What??? You and I both know that that isn’t the point! What does this message mean??”

He took a minute to read the whole thing and shook his head. “Adam, I swear, I have nothing to do with this. They’re just harassing me!”

“Then why is his number saved on your phone?”

“We used to be friends. That’s all. I didn’t know he would still text me.” Said Sauli with his eyes pleading.

“So… you’re saying that you’re in his group?”

“Well not anymore...”

“Since when were you out?”

“Since last week.” Since. Last. Week. I was attacked months ago.

I couldn’t take this all in. I sat down and put my hands on my face. “Oh god. Oh dear god. Monte was right.”

“What do you mean?” asked Sauli with curiosity in his voice.

“He… he told me you were there the night I was beaten.” I removed my hands from my face and looked at him, hoping he’d just admit what’s there to admit and get this over with.

“I was, but please trust me, hurting you will always be the last thing on my mind.”

“But you lied to me.... You said you were doing some errands. I didn’t know it was to cheer on the people hurting me. So in a way, yes, you hurt me.”

“It was complicated, okay? But one thing you can be sure of, I was not in it. I didn’t even know they’d do that to you, to me. They knew how important you are to me and they’re getting back at me by hurting you, someone I really care about. Please, why don’t you just believe me?”

“Get back at you for what?”

I waited for an answer, but nothing came.

“To be honest, I don’t know what to believe in anymore because every single thing I put my faith in, just screws with me." I blinked back the tears that were forming in my eyes and with the courage I have left, I said "I want you out of here when I get back.”

I looked at him one more time and stormed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh what am i doing...


	21. People are Judgmental

Oh great, my whole life sucks. My world is crumbling down and I don't want to be awake anymore. I think this must be karma, but what did I ever do that was so horrible, I deserved all this?

I went to the nearest bar to my place. Not the best idea, I know. But clearly, I haven’t made a good decision in like ever.

Drinking would make me forget temporarily and I actually wish I’d just be in coma rather than sobering up and remembering everything that’s wrong at the moment. My band is doomed without guitarists. I rejected Tommy. Sauli lied to me.

My mind babbling ended when someone tapped me on the shoulder. “This is for you.” He said while putting the blue-colored drink into my hand.

“T-thanks.” I stuttered.

After a while, he put his hand on one of my thighs and just held it there, sometimes drawing circles.

“Uhm, excuse me. I’m… I’m just not comfortable with you doing that.”

“Oh come on, everyone in the world knows that this is what you like.” I really got offended by that. Just because I do hot stuff on my concerts doesn’t mean everything about me is sex.

“Well, stranger…” I emphasized the word stranger “You’re wrong and look, I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but just leave me alone. Please.”

He raised his eyebrow and said “Playing hard to get, eh?” He touched my crotch and poked my cock and I just lost it. I kicked him in the nuts. Sorry, not sorry. I’m 500% sure he deserved that.

He screamed his words of pain and it was masked by the loud music. “Are you kidding me?!?!” He punched my face and a black eye is my last concern right now. It’s on. I kept hitting him and kicking him wherever, but then he grabbed my collar and said “Why are you doing this? You’re gay, right? You want my dick, I know. So why don’t you just admit it and stop being such a child?” And at that, I kicked him in the nuts again. He was on the floor now and I feel everyone’s stares on us.

“I’m a child? I’m a child for rejecting your dick? Yes, I’m gay, but I’m sure as hell I have rights. Oh and good luck explaining where your bruises came from. Don’t forget the part where I kicked the thing you’re offering to me. Goodbye.”

  
People all over the room shared whispers and I faced them and said “Make this a headline. I don’t care. If this incident is more important to you than our goddamn economy crises, I say good luck to the world too.”

I had no choice but to leave the bar. I didn’t even drink that much to forget my personal problems yet. The rush off of fighting has faded and I begin feeling empty again. I grabbed my phone and went immediately to contacts.

 

“Hello, I know this is a big favor, but I give up, I’m swallowing my pride. Can I stay with you for a while?” 


	22. I Missed Him

I woke up, alone in his bed, staring at the ceiling. God, what am I doing? Why did he even let me in? I stepped on his heart for fuck’s sake!

I sighed heavily and got up. I checked the kitchen and the living room, but he was not there. I was about to go back to his room, when I heard him whistling a song that was familiar, but I couldn’t remember the title. I walked slowly, following the sound until I was two feet from him.

“Hey.”

He smiled and greeted me the same. “Hey, you.”

“You actually do your own laundry?”

“Well yeah, I learned to.”

“Can I help you with something?”

“Just make something for us to eat, is that okay?”

“Yes, sure.”

I cleared my throat, hoping he’d look at me, but didn’t. “Thank you… and I’m sorry.”

He continued separating the whites from the colored clothes while he talked to me. “Don’t. It’s fine. I know what I’m getting into.”

I sighed again and left him there. I opened his fridge and whoa, there are actually a lot of stuff in here. And I thought he was the kind of guy who just buys meals outside.

I made a pretty tasty sandwich and coffees for both of us. I waited until he was done so we could eat together. And maybe we could talk more, too.

He finished faster than I thought.

“Wow, thanks for this. It’s delicious!” he said, after swallowing his first bite.

“Really now?”

“Well yeah, I didn’t know you’re a culinary wizard.”

“You would’ve known that if you…” I lowered my voice, hoping it won’t be audible enough. “…didn’t leave.”

He stared at his mug. He heard. “You knew I had reasons. But I still regret it.”

“I just didn’t know what they were.” I looked at him and tried to convince myself that it doesn’t matter, I’ll never know anyway. “I’m sorry I said goodbye.”

And at what I just said, he laughed. HE. LAUGHED.

“What, what’s so funny? I’m serious!”

He finally looked at me. “It’s just that… you’re right. You never leave. You said you would, but you didn’t.”

I don’t have anything to say to that. I racked my brain for something, anything to talk about when he talked again.

“So what happened?”

“What do you mean what happened?” I said adding a nervous laughter at the end.

He raised his eyebrow, clearly not buying my act. “Adam, don’t play dumb. I know something’s wrong. What happened?”

“I got kinda cupped at the bar and I didn’t like it.” It was now my turn to stare at my mug.

“Is that all?” I said nothing. “So why didn’t you call your boyfriend then?” I said nothing again. “Oh.”

“We had a big fight. And I know it was pathetic, calling you after I turned my back, but it’s not just that I can’t call my boyfriend. At that moment, I only wanted to call you.”

I explained to Tommy what happened between me and Sauli. He just nodded and didn’t comment at my story and it made me feel comfortable… just like old times. And as I watched him collect our plates and mugs, I remember the old feelings. Those that I buried. And I was certain about one thing, I missed him.


	23. The Wound

I asked if I could help him with his laundry, but he just shooed me and reminded me that I was a guest. I mean, I am, but we’re also friends and I really really wanted to do something so I won’t just sit here and wait for things to happen. The debate went on for half an hour until I just gave up and went to look for books like he said. The thing is, I couldn’t find any. This isn’t Sauli’s place.

I went back and found him sucking his index finger. “What the hell are you doing? Oh and you don’t have any books.”

He looked at me, with a finger in the corner of his mouth. “Of course, I don’t. I thought you knew that. It was just something to make you leave so we wouldn’t have to argue about you helping me.”

I let out a small laugh and asked, “Make me leave? For what? So you could suck on your finger?”

He removed it for a second and put it back again and said, “Whatever you’re thinking, this isn’t what it looks like!”

This time, I allowed myself to laugh more. “Now, now, you don’t have to be so defensive. If you want to do those, uhm, things, then that’s okay. But next time, just ask me to leave so you don’t have to lie about owning books.”

He glared, but it was a playful one. “So I somehow cut my finger and it’s bleeding and it hurts, okay??”

“Sure, whatever you say.” I went out still laughing and he ran so he could block my way. He removed his finger in his mouth and showed the long slice.

“Well, why didn’t you just wash it and then put a band-aid?”

“I don’t know, okay? I panicked. You can stop laughing now.” He rushed to the nearest sink to wash the cut and tied it with a handkerchief because like books, he didn’t have any band-aids either.

After that he grabbed me by my arm and said, “C’mon let’s go get ice cream!”

I stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious? Was the cut that life-changing?”

“Hey, I’ve always loved ice cream! And besides, I don’t want to do more laundry with this.” He put his ‘wounded’ finger right in front of my face.

 

After a few minutes, we were back in his place devouring 2 gallons of ice cream bought from a nearby grocery store. We both got this rich chocolate flavor with some nuts and I may have tried better, but I’m craving sweets and screw it, I’m finishing this.

He’s so concentrated on eating his ice cream, but my mind is going to that place again, so I broke the silence.

“Can I ask you one stupid thing?” I bit my lip while I waited for an answer.

“Yes, sure.” He didn’t even stop to look at me.

“Uhm, when did you realize that you liked me?”

And now he looks. “Does it matter?”

 “Tommy, c’mon! I just want to know.”

He thought for a while and then smiled. “I guess it was just, I’m not sure, 7 to 8 days after the AMA’s.”

I stared at him too long before saying, “You’re kidding!”

He laughed and said, “No, I swear, it was that fast.”

And now I wonder about all the leaving and the drama and the why-only-tell-me-now’s. And I really want to ask him all those, but I don’t want to ruin this moment. We’re finally talking now and I won’t trade that for the distance that used to be between us. 


	24. He's Sorry

Around 4 am on the 3rd day of my stay, I received a text from Sauli.

_Adam, I hope you’re okay. Wherever you are._

I didn’t want to reply. What’s the point, right? I’m fine, I’m safe. But it’s Sauli… and he means a lot to me.

At the last minute, I decided to send a message back.

_I’m okay. I hope you are too._

_PS. I’m still mad at you_

Not a second later, I heard my phone beeped. He’s up this early. Did he even sleep?

_I know. I’m just glad you’re talking… well, texting me again. Can I call you?_

Without thinking, I called him.

“God, Adam, I was asking if I could call you! Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Did you eat already?” I cannot stop myself from smiling.

“Yeah, hours ago. You?” I said sarcastically.

“Okay, no, never mind that topic. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about you.”

“Sauli, I---“

“Adam, I love you. I’m sorry. I love you.”

“I… don’t know.”

And it was true. I didn’t know what to think and what to say and what to do. It has been just 3 days since we fought and I already feel like forgiving him. Yes, this fast because when you love someone, you don’t just give up.

I sighed on the phone and said, “You have to tell me everything, okay?”

“I promise.”

“Be there when I get back? Which is maybe tomorrow? And yes, I know, I said I wanted you out there, but you promised to tell me everything sooo that’s that.” I can almost see him smile from here.

“Yes, Mr. Bossypants.” He sighed and continued, “I love you.”

“I don’t really want to say I love you back right now because of you know, what I read on your phone, but ugh I hate you, you know? I hate that you drive me crazy and I hate that I let myself.”

“I’m still sorry. And you don’t have to say it back.”

I know I didn’t have to, but I did. “I love you, Sauli.”

And we both hung up.

 

 

I told Tommy I was going back to my apartment tomorrow. His eyes didn’t hide the sadness and I feel guilty, but staying longer would just make it harder to leave.

“But we’ll see each other again, right?” He said.

“Of course we will. We’re cool now.”

It was a fast, unproductive day. After dinner, we just watched a horror movie that we’ve watched before, talked about random stuff and that was it. Again, just like the old times.

I feel really bad though. Tommy took me in, no questions asked. Well, he did ask the next morning, but I was a mess that night and he just lead me to his bed. He didn’t even take advantage of me, which just proves how great of a person he is. I feel bad that I couldn’t pay his kindness. I know he let me in partly because he’s in love with me (or so he says) and I feel bad that I can’t give the same love back anymore. I think. And I just, I’m not a cheater. Sauli and I didn’t really break up and I’m still in love with him. Anyway, I’m getting answers tomorrow and I’ll just see how everything goes.


	25. Mistakes and Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, first of all, i want to thank the guests because god, i'm not sure if you're the same person having the mistake of clicking the kudos button over and over again, but it makes me feel good because it means that someone is still reading this. so thank you!!!!

After lunch, which meant leftover pizza and beer, I was ready to leave. I had nothing to pack anyway since this wasn't a prepared visit. I don't know why it's so hard though. The minutes I had with him felt like they were these entirely new minutes, but familiar at the same time. We had moments like these before, but in the past few days, every ticking of the clock felt more dense and meaningful because of history. So much history.

To be honest, I didn't know I could ever be like this with Tommy again. After all the drama and the secrets, I already mentally crossed out normal-drinking-beer-time with him. Can you blame me?

My mind babbling has been interrupted by Tommy tapping my shoulder. I didn't even hear him enter. That sneaky fuck. I turned to face him. And it was all there, everything I wanted was right in front of me. Almost everything I wanted. I love Sauli and I love Tommy. Is it so wrong to love two people at the same time? Yes. This is bad, this is sick, this is crazy, this shouldn't be.

"So you're really going, huh?" Tommy said and added something at the end but I didn't quite catch it.

"Well, yeah. I want to hear the explanation. I want to give him a chance." Even I could hear the uncertainty in my voice. I don't know if I still wanted to go. I mean, I want to, but I don't want to. I hope he didn't sense how unsure I felt.

It took long before he spoke again. Maybe he wasn't sure what to say too. Or maybe there was nothing else to say. Instead, he moved closer to me. Maybe an inch or two from my body. I watched him fix invisible wrinkles on my shirt and then he just stopped and put his hands on the neckline.

His brown eyes locked with my blue ones.

I knew what was going to happen.

I didn't do anything to stop it.

 

 

  
I'm already on the bed with Tommy when I heard my phone ringing. There was nothing else to feel but ecstacy and pleasure mixed with shame and guilt. I felt amazing and terrible at the same time.

My phone kept ringing and ringing, but I didn't want kissing Tommy to stop. Eventually, the ringing did. And I knew I could be better than this. I knew I could've not betrayed Sauli. But I didn't know I could forget all about that, the second Tommy's warm skin touched mine.

This was the second time with Tommy and the first lie to Sauli. I hope I could trust myself enough to swear that this would be the last time for both, but I haven't been very trustworthy today, have I?

There's one thing I could do to at least make this less worse that it already is: leave for real this time.

Tommy's eyes were half-opened even when he's sleeping. I tiptoed around the room, careful not to make any noise because it might wake him up, and when he wakes up, it's just... he makes everything so difficult. Especially leaving. Like I should feel guilty about that when I didn't feel an ounce of guilt when I was having sex with him. I couldn't help but wonder if this would be the last time I see his brown eyes.

 

 

I did it. I'm out and I'm waiting for a cab. I reached for my phone in my pocket, but it wasn't there. Crap, I can't go back in there. I walked towards the nearest phone booth I spotted and dialed Sauli's number. I knew it by heart.

He didn't answer. Even in the third ring, especially not the seventeenth ring. So I just stopped. There was one good thing though, thank God people are cooperating right now and no one has recognized me yet. It's like everyone's mind is preoccupied by something else. I turned my back because it adds to anonymosity. And then some red-headed girl, wearing too much make up and fur said something that stung my ear.

 

_Oh yeah, I heard that on the news just an hour ago. It's such a waste that someone so hot would die so young. What was his name again? The Finnish guy? No... not Saki! Wait, it's Sauli. Yes. Sauli Koskinen!_

  
And just like that, my heart sunk.  
And my broken mind struggled to hold onto the edge of the cliff... of slim hope that it wasn't true.

 


	26. It's All Dark Now

I ran as fast as I could. I didn't care how far my place was from where I am now, I just wanted to escape. I need the assurance that nothing bad happened.

 

 

As soon as I reached my door, I scanned the whole place. The bills laid on the floor and the ciggarette I tossed out days ago was still where I left it, but Sauli wasn't there waiting.

I didn't want my anxiety to win and kill me on the inside, but it did. So i called his twin sister, Sara.

 

 

And it was true.

 

One syllable of her tear-marked voice and I knew it was true.

  
The telephone slipped from my hand and my knees went weak. 

I sat on the floor and watched the telephone swing by its cord.

I watched it until my eyes closed.

 

  
A really loud knock woke me up and then I thought, maybe... it's Sauli coming home. Maybe he brought coffee for us to drink like he always does.

"Adam, please... open up. Please." It's not him. And I so badly wanted it to be him.

I got up and opened the door and Tommy just hugged me. Not ask me how I was, because he knew.

I pulled away and heard my own voice breaking as I said "He's gone."

And with that, he hugged me again and whispered "I'm sorry."

 

  
I never really know how this goes because I haven't lost anyone this close to me in my life. Now I have.

  
It felt like the sun would never come up again and the night will always be restless.

It felt like the wind has needles that poke every part of my being just to make sure it hurt. Every passing second.

It felt like the ground I'm stepping on would open up anytime so I'd never feel at peace.

It felt like I was running. Running out of air and running out of life.

It felt like dying itself.

 

I didn't allow myself to cry. Not until the night I saw his body. He had so many stab wounds, but I look at him the same. Like he's still the man who saved me, only grayer.

Everyone on twitter sent their condolences, and although I was grateful, it didn't comfort me. They said that it was gonna be okay. and I want to laugh at that word. Hah, okay? Okay?!? Because no, it's never gonna be okay. And I'm never gonna know what okay feels like anymore. I didn't need those lies or that hope because all they do is break me. 

 

That night, I thought that if I cried hard enough, maybe, maybe I'd go numb. But I kept feeling. The pain kept touching me in places I never thought I'd hurt.

 

I couldn't be awake nor asleep.

And I couldn't help thinking I wouldn't hear him saying my name anymore. With that thick accent coating the letters that form my identity, somehow making it sound precious.

I wouldn't hear him laugh anymore. With his squinty eyes and his blond head thrown back.

And I wouldn't hear his heartbeat anymore, the calmest sound I've ever heard. My favorite song.

 

But the truth still stands, I still love him even though he's not here anymore.

 

Once again, I had a sleepless night and I'm certain there are many more to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel terrible writing this. i'm probably as broken hearted as adam in this scene. but i like the drama and i hope you guys won't kill me for killing sauli in the story. he wouldn't really leave the story tho. there will always gonna be something that involves him in the future chapters. and i still can't thank you all enough for reading.


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